Well, where do I start? Do I tell you that I've been so busy that I haven't been able to find the time? Or, do I tell you about having people in my life that like to butt their noses into my business? OR, better yet!! Do I tell you about the shitstorm of what can be construed as my life that has been harassing me for the past few months? Hell, why don't we make it years? Ya know what? Fuck that. Let's make it my lifetime. That should cover it!!
Why don't we start (or just make the primary topic, depending on how emotional I get) with my relationship? I have to vent and human ears just won't listen to this much stuff and not want to have the mouths chime in. Now, these are the bad times with a few good ones in there for "pep"... Keep in mind, we have more fun and happy times (like, a BILLION more) than we do "bad" times...
Breakdown for those of you who aren't sure what I have been doing the last few years...
November 2010, found out my then boyfriend was cheating and lying straight to my face about it. Ummm, hello??!! Phone records don't lie. Especially one that I pay for. Jus' sayin' ;) Hard to call your aunt in Kentucky when you were just talking to someone in Kansas... No-brainer there...
January 2011? He breaks up with me, much to, both, my relief and dismay through, get this...... a game... Yup! You heard me! He didn't have the testicular fortitude to say anything to me on the phone or during a cam call (which he kept making excuses saying "It don't work no more." and "Maybe later."). Nope, he did it through a massive message in my logs saying he has "too much personal stuff to sort through" and that "I wish it didn't have to be like this." And OH YEAH!!!! The ever popular and not so cliche at ALL "It's not you. it's me."
-_-
Really? At any rate, I ran to a few friends who had helped me throughout that whole ordeal. One, in particular, dragged me out of the grave I was ready to put myself into. He held my hand, talked me through and kept my head held high when all I wanted to do was fade away.
February 2011... We ended up falling for one another. It came out of nowhere and has been going since. Yes, we've had our MANY ups and downs and many disagreements and bouts of emoness on my behalf, what with my previous experiences and whatnot, but we've also had so many very good times, too!! I can't begin to name them!! But, bad times seem to have plagued us, as well.
March 2011... He was into some stuff that he knew I was against and quickly changed that. Rehab wasn't just for him... he made it for all of us. And I say "us" as in himself, me, his daughter and my two children. I won't risk losing my kids. And he knew this. We talked on facebook the entire time he was in and we laughed and played around and held serious conversations as well as telling one another what we were going to do to each other when we became a family in the physical sense.
May 2011... Slowly, I started seeing changes in him. The way he talked, his "joking" and his emotions had somewhat changed. Now, I'm not saying he became mean or anything. I'm saying, he started blocking them off to the point where I was so lost and confused, I began to hurt. After a confrontation about it, he explained to me that he had no inhibitions when he was using. He didn't have to hold anything back. Because he was confident about what was being said and what he felt. But now? At that time? He was still confident, BUT his walls were up and he couldn't take them down, emotionally because of HIS past. And I get that. I respected that. And yes, I adapted to that because he adapted to my situation, too. One and the same, in a sense.
Moving along.... Skip through a few months.
October 2011, he had a recurring collapsing lung issue that his doctors said required surgery. He was fine. I panicked. I couldn't, for the life of me, understand why i was such a ball of nerves and he was laughing about it. He was so cool with the idea of the surgery that it, almost, scared me. But, I dealt with my fear by lookign up some facts about the procedure and what could/would be done and what methods of recovery they'd help him with. Finally, I was able to cope....
The night before his surgery, we spent time together watching movies, goofing off and just being us... There was nothing getting in the way of us now.
Fast forward a few days.... he started saying things that were not only making me angry but making me depressed and making my mind wander about. I hated it. It got so bad that, at one time, I was ready to walk away from him and leave, ready to move on with my life without him in it. As heart-wrenching as it was for me, I was ready to take that step. I told him how I felt and he adapted, again, saying he was sorry and that he was only "joking" and that he'll stop because it made me uncomfortable.
We got through it. He came home during the 2nd week of November, relaxed and recovering. That's where he had to be. He was out of the hospital and in an environment he was used to.
Skipping along, singing a song...
New Year's Eve 2011... His mother invited him to a party and wanted him to stay there a few days beforehand. (Yes, he's a "momma's boy" lol) So, he went, got on messenger when he could. Sent me texts throughout the stay when he was able and spoke to me, on the phone, when I called. NYE night was so fun for him! He was laughing and you could hear him smiling and omfg was that man drunk! He was having so much fun that, after we said "Happy New Year!!" and loved on one another for a few, I was in shock when he got on messenger a few hours later.... From his house!
I asked why he was home and he told me that his mother made someone take him home before he decided to leave with a complete stranger for the night.
My heart sank.... I didn't know what to make of it and all I heard was "Baby, I'm so drunk, I probably would have and thought nothing of it. But, I'm here with you now. That counts for something right?"..... Yes, it does.
**searches for remote to skip a few chapters**
February 2012, our 1st Anniversary... And we spent the ENTIRE day on messenger, loving on one another, listening to music, playing games and watching movies/videos... Life was gooooooood!!! I love you, baby!
**finds remote, skips another few chapters**
May 2012... By no means am I a dumb blonde. I only play one in real life. but, something was bothering me. (Had been for a LONG time, actually) After years of him engaging in sextra curricular activites as much as he had, no one can go from fucking that many females that many times a day to not fucking at all. So, I asked him about it and he confessed... the first 3 months we were together, we wasn't faithful. He slipped up a few times and cheated on me. In all honesty? I knew it had happened. I'm not stupid and I know his needs were still there. He's 4,000 miles away for the love of Goddess!! He told me it was with about 20 different females but none that he can think of were "repeat offenders"... Hmmmm, not sure if I should be more worried that it was a li'l over 20 times OR with 20 different females.... Moving on...
I cried and I wanted to leave but it was over a year later and we were still together. So, what was the harm in staying, right? A year of faithfulness and loyalty. Let's make this work and move across that hurdle and "get right" again.
July 2012, I lost my internet (which ended up being for 2 months) and was so afraid that something bad was going to happen while I was offline. And everything was fine, until......
**sighs**
His neighbor had been having "bad dreams" and wanted company. She (yes, you read that right.... "she") had asked him to stay with her, in her place, until she was comfortable again. I tried to understand his reasoning for wanting to help a friend in need and that everything, he reassured me, was going to be okay. Nothing "bad" was going to happen. He wouldn't let it. For weeks, he stayed there. I begged him to not stay. I know something was going to happen. I knew there was something wrong. "Baby, please, don't stay there anymore. Go home. Please? I don't like this situation. I don't like her crawling into bed with you. I don't want something to happen." I hated him being there with her. She was crawling into his bed at night, cuddling against him because she had a need to feel safe.... Really? -_-........ "Baby, please don't stay there anymore. Please don't let her do this." .... "Pumpkin, it's fine. It's innocent. She just wants to feel safe. She's a good girl." I let it go. I trusted him. I didn't trust her.
September 2012, I come back online and my husband is ecstatic!! He laughed and cried and smiled and giggled. We went on cam and had our "special" time lol. We were whole again! We were enjoying one another's company and having fun, just the two of us.
A few days later, I kept hearing a voice, a female voice, in the background at his house. I asked who it was and he told me it was his neighbor. Okay, rise above it, Cass. you can do it. It's innocent, right? Right... Now, move on....
October 2012, I kept hearing her voice and started to question things. She was staying there because of her fear, again. **insert eye roll** Crawling into his bed when she was "scared" of the dark. **insert double eye roll and a "pfffft" for good measure** I kept asking, pleading, begging my husband to tell her to go home. I am not comfortable with her being there all the time and doing stuff in HIS house like she was living there as, what seemed like, to me, at least, was a girlfriend. All I got was that I was being "jealous" and "insecure".... No, I know females. I hate them for a reason. I was asked to drop it. So..... I did....
Then, there was someone in a game we were playing, putting shit into my head and saying that I needed to leave him and that he's never going to stop his ways and that I deserved better. **sighs** My head was/is/has been sooooooooo fucked up because of this, that everything else is just compounded into a sea of cluster-fucked emotions. I know "friends" are trying to "help"... BUT it just seems to make matters worse. I lose sight of what is REALLY happening. And my clarity is null and void.
Present Day, November 2012.... My heart has been ripped apart, chewed upon, spit out, stomped on and left to crumble in a dry climate. Recently, we found out, after something I had said to him that raised suspicions about his sleep patterns, that his neighbor had been crawling into bed with him, while he slept, and having her "needs" met... She was raping my husband in his sleep and he had no idea of it. A few days prior, I had said, "I really don't like her being there with you! If she is so afraid, then she needs to sleep with a light on. Baby, no one knows what happens while they sleep. And I'm afraid of that! I'm scared! I'm scared that something might happen! Whether you think she's a good girl or not! I'm scared!"... He promised me I had nothing to worry about....
Later on, a knock on his door woke him up. Running down his stairs, he opened the door and asked his male friend "Why you here so early in the morning?!" His friend looked at him and said "It's almost night."..... A few hours later, it dawned on him, too, that something may have happened. After telling me his suspicions and a LOT of tears on my behalf, nerves on his, he confronted her and she confessed. Since July, she had been fucking him in his sleep. And a body's natural reaction, when sleeping, if you haven't had physical contact like that, is to go with it. And he did.... Unknowingly....
He told me what all was said to her and what was said to him... What had been done and what he did and things of that nature....
All my heart could do is weep. It matched the tears from my eyes and then some. My heart was swimming in a vast ocean of my very own tears and it was drowning. I have to save myself. I wanted to just scream at him and tell him "I told you so." and I think I did. But, instead, I found myself justifying his sleepy actions. It wasn't his fault. It couldn't have been. It won't be.
But, as I sit here, writing this, my stomach's in knots and I feel like I could puke all over again. I have been eating, but can't keep anything down for months now. I won't tell him this. It worries him. I've gained more weight because of the lack of me eating and then eating and then not eating for days on end. Stress in my life has built up and I rely on Protick as my shoulder, my foundation to keep me strong. But, I'm afraid that he feels I'm going to leave him. Yes, I've been through this all in the past. Yes, I've hated them and myself in the end. But, this time? With Pro? It seems, almost, a part of who we are and what we're supposed to deal with. I HAVE stressed the fact that something like this canNOT happen again. This is the second time. And, no matter what, the third time is going to kill me. My heart won't handle it, this I do know. But, no matter what happens, if he's faithful and we live long happy lives with one another till we die or we part our ways, one thing remains........
The "love bird" theory.
I will die without my mate by my side.
Through thick and thin, for richer or poorer, till death do us part...
Baby, I forgive you. I always will. I can't forget, and you know this. But I can forgive. We are strong and will get through this. We have done it in the past and we can do it again. Just, please, I'm begging you, our love is connected and we know when something is wrong with one another, remember "us" and we'll always come through tragedy and heartache and pain.
I love you, Pro.
Forever and Always <3
~Your Loving Wife, Cassandra
EDIT:::
Well, after a few dreams from my M&M and her pushing me to "let things go" because he wanted to "protect" me from other things, I confronted him and asked him if there was something he was hiding. There was...
From May 2012 to July 2012, he had been cheating with 2 teenage girls that he allowed to "move in" to his home for those two months. 2 of them!!! At the same time...
This has broken my heart....
All the time we spent on cam that was meant to be our "personal, private" time... He was sharing with 2 lil girls.... :'(
This just adds to the disappointment and the anger I feel....
Why don't we start (or just make the primary topic, depending on how emotional I get) with my relationship? I have to vent and human ears just won't listen to this much stuff and not want to have the mouths chime in. Now, these are the bad times with a few good ones in there for "pep"... Keep in mind, we have more fun and happy times (like, a BILLION more) than we do "bad" times...
Breakdown for those of you who aren't sure what I have been doing the last few years...
November 2010, found out my then boyfriend was cheating and lying straight to my face about it. Ummm, hello??!! Phone records don't lie. Especially one that I pay for. Jus' sayin' ;) Hard to call your aunt in Kentucky when you were just talking to someone in Kansas... No-brainer there...
January 2011? He breaks up with me, much to, both, my relief and dismay through, get this...... a game... Yup! You heard me! He didn't have the testicular fortitude to say anything to me on the phone or during a cam call (which he kept making excuses saying "It don't work no more." and "Maybe later."). Nope, he did it through a massive message in my logs saying he has "too much personal stuff to sort through" and that "I wish it didn't have to be like this." And OH YEAH!!!! The ever popular and not so cliche at ALL "It's not you. it's me."
-_-
Really? At any rate, I ran to a few friends who had helped me throughout that whole ordeal. One, in particular, dragged me out of the grave I was ready to put myself into. He held my hand, talked me through and kept my head held high when all I wanted to do was fade away.
February 2011... We ended up falling for one another. It came out of nowhere and has been going since. Yes, we've had our MANY ups and downs and many disagreements and bouts of emoness on my behalf, what with my previous experiences and whatnot, but we've also had so many very good times, too!! I can't begin to name them!! But, bad times seem to have plagued us, as well.
March 2011... He was into some stuff that he knew I was against and quickly changed that. Rehab wasn't just for him... he made it for all of us. And I say "us" as in himself, me, his daughter and my two children. I won't risk losing my kids. And he knew this. We talked on facebook the entire time he was in and we laughed and played around and held serious conversations as well as telling one another what we were going to do to each other when we became a family in the physical sense.
May 2011... Slowly, I started seeing changes in him. The way he talked, his "joking" and his emotions had somewhat changed. Now, I'm not saying he became mean or anything. I'm saying, he started blocking them off to the point where I was so lost and confused, I began to hurt. After a confrontation about it, he explained to me that he had no inhibitions when he was using. He didn't have to hold anything back. Because he was confident about what was being said and what he felt. But now? At that time? He was still confident, BUT his walls were up and he couldn't take them down, emotionally because of HIS past. And I get that. I respected that. And yes, I adapted to that because he adapted to my situation, too. One and the same, in a sense.
Moving along.... Skip through a few months.
October 2011, he had a recurring collapsing lung issue that his doctors said required surgery. He was fine. I panicked. I couldn't, for the life of me, understand why i was such a ball of nerves and he was laughing about it. He was so cool with the idea of the surgery that it, almost, scared me. But, I dealt with my fear by lookign up some facts about the procedure and what could/would be done and what methods of recovery they'd help him with. Finally, I was able to cope....
The night before his surgery, we spent time together watching movies, goofing off and just being us... There was nothing getting in the way of us now.
Fast forward a few days.... he started saying things that were not only making me angry but making me depressed and making my mind wander about. I hated it. It got so bad that, at one time, I was ready to walk away from him and leave, ready to move on with my life without him in it. As heart-wrenching as it was for me, I was ready to take that step. I told him how I felt and he adapted, again, saying he was sorry and that he was only "joking" and that he'll stop because it made me uncomfortable.
We got through it. He came home during the 2nd week of November, relaxed and recovering. That's where he had to be. He was out of the hospital and in an environment he was used to.
Skipping along, singing a song...
New Year's Eve 2011... His mother invited him to a party and wanted him to stay there a few days beforehand. (Yes, he's a "momma's boy" lol) So, he went, got on messenger when he could. Sent me texts throughout the stay when he was able and spoke to me, on the phone, when I called. NYE night was so fun for him! He was laughing and you could hear him smiling and omfg was that man drunk! He was having so much fun that, after we said "Happy New Year!!" and loved on one another for a few, I was in shock when he got on messenger a few hours later.... From his house!
I asked why he was home and he told me that his mother made someone take him home before he decided to leave with a complete stranger for the night.
My heart sank.... I didn't know what to make of it and all I heard was "Baby, I'm so drunk, I probably would have and thought nothing of it. But, I'm here with you now. That counts for something right?"..... Yes, it does.
**searches for remote to skip a few chapters**
February 2012, our 1st Anniversary... And we spent the ENTIRE day on messenger, loving on one another, listening to music, playing games and watching movies/videos... Life was gooooooood!!! I love you, baby!
**finds remote, skips another few chapters**
May 2012... By no means am I a dumb blonde. I only play one in real life. but, something was bothering me. (Had been for a LONG time, actually) After years of him engaging in sextra curricular activites as much as he had, no one can go from fucking that many females that many times a day to not fucking at all. So, I asked him about it and he confessed... the first 3 months we were together, we wasn't faithful. He slipped up a few times and cheated on me. In all honesty? I knew it had happened. I'm not stupid and I know his needs were still there. He's 4,000 miles away for the love of Goddess!! He told me it was with about 20 different females but none that he can think of were "repeat offenders"... Hmmmm, not sure if I should be more worried that it was a li'l over 20 times OR with 20 different females.... Moving on...
I cried and I wanted to leave but it was over a year later and we were still together. So, what was the harm in staying, right? A year of faithfulness and loyalty. Let's make this work and move across that hurdle and "get right" again.
July 2012, I lost my internet (which ended up being for 2 months) and was so afraid that something bad was going to happen while I was offline. And everything was fine, until......
**sighs**
His neighbor had been having "bad dreams" and wanted company. She (yes, you read that right.... "she") had asked him to stay with her, in her place, until she was comfortable again. I tried to understand his reasoning for wanting to help a friend in need and that everything, he reassured me, was going to be okay. Nothing "bad" was going to happen. He wouldn't let it. For weeks, he stayed there. I begged him to not stay. I know something was going to happen. I knew there was something wrong. "Baby, please, don't stay there anymore. Go home. Please? I don't like this situation. I don't like her crawling into bed with you. I don't want something to happen." I hated him being there with her. She was crawling into his bed at night, cuddling against him because she had a need to feel safe.... Really? -_-........ "Baby, please don't stay there anymore. Please don't let her do this." .... "Pumpkin, it's fine. It's innocent. She just wants to feel safe. She's a good girl." I let it go. I trusted him. I didn't trust her.
September 2012, I come back online and my husband is ecstatic!! He laughed and cried and smiled and giggled. We went on cam and had our "special" time lol. We were whole again! We were enjoying one another's company and having fun, just the two of us.
A few days later, I kept hearing a voice, a female voice, in the background at his house. I asked who it was and he told me it was his neighbor. Okay, rise above it, Cass. you can do it. It's innocent, right? Right... Now, move on....
October 2012, I kept hearing her voice and started to question things. She was staying there because of her fear, again. **insert eye roll** Crawling into his bed when she was "scared" of the dark. **insert double eye roll and a "pfffft" for good measure** I kept asking, pleading, begging my husband to tell her to go home. I am not comfortable with her being there all the time and doing stuff in HIS house like she was living there as, what seemed like, to me, at least, was a girlfriend. All I got was that I was being "jealous" and "insecure".... No, I know females. I hate them for a reason. I was asked to drop it. So..... I did....
Then, there was someone in a game we were playing, putting shit into my head and saying that I needed to leave him and that he's never going to stop his ways and that I deserved better. **sighs** My head was/is/has been sooooooooo fucked up because of this, that everything else is just compounded into a sea of cluster-fucked emotions. I know "friends" are trying to "help"... BUT it just seems to make matters worse. I lose sight of what is REALLY happening. And my clarity is null and void.
Present Day, November 2012.... My heart has been ripped apart, chewed upon, spit out, stomped on and left to crumble in a dry climate. Recently, we found out, after something I had said to him that raised suspicions about his sleep patterns, that his neighbor had been crawling into bed with him, while he slept, and having her "needs" met... She was raping my husband in his sleep and he had no idea of it. A few days prior, I had said, "I really don't like her being there with you! If she is so afraid, then she needs to sleep with a light on. Baby, no one knows what happens while they sleep. And I'm afraid of that! I'm scared! I'm scared that something might happen! Whether you think she's a good girl or not! I'm scared!"... He promised me I had nothing to worry about....
Later on, a knock on his door woke him up. Running down his stairs, he opened the door and asked his male friend "Why you here so early in the morning?!" His friend looked at him and said "It's almost night."..... A few hours later, it dawned on him, too, that something may have happened. After telling me his suspicions and a LOT of tears on my behalf, nerves on his, he confronted her and she confessed. Since July, she had been fucking him in his sleep. And a body's natural reaction, when sleeping, if you haven't had physical contact like that, is to go with it. And he did.... Unknowingly....
He told me what all was said to her and what was said to him... What had been done and what he did and things of that nature....
All my heart could do is weep. It matched the tears from my eyes and then some. My heart was swimming in a vast ocean of my very own tears and it was drowning. I have to save myself. I wanted to just scream at him and tell him "I told you so." and I think I did. But, instead, I found myself justifying his sleepy actions. It wasn't his fault. It couldn't have been. It won't be.
But, as I sit here, writing this, my stomach's in knots and I feel like I could puke all over again. I have been eating, but can't keep anything down for months now. I won't tell him this. It worries him. I've gained more weight because of the lack of me eating and then eating and then not eating for days on end. Stress in my life has built up and I rely on Protick as my shoulder, my foundation to keep me strong. But, I'm afraid that he feels I'm going to leave him. Yes, I've been through this all in the past. Yes, I've hated them and myself in the end. But, this time? With Pro? It seems, almost, a part of who we are and what we're supposed to deal with. I HAVE stressed the fact that something like this canNOT happen again. This is the second time. And, no matter what, the third time is going to kill me. My heart won't handle it, this I do know. But, no matter what happens, if he's faithful and we live long happy lives with one another till we die or we part our ways, one thing remains........
The "love bird" theory.
I will die without my mate by my side.
Through thick and thin, for richer or poorer, till death do us part...
Baby, I forgive you. I always will. I can't forget, and you know this. But I can forgive. We are strong and will get through this. We have done it in the past and we can do it again. Just, please, I'm begging you, our love is connected and we know when something is wrong with one another, remember "us" and we'll always come through tragedy and heartache and pain.
I love you, Pro.
Forever and Always <3
~Your Loving Wife, Cassandra
EDIT:::
Well, after a few dreams from my M&M and her pushing me to "let things go" because he wanted to "protect" me from other things, I confronted him and asked him if there was something he was hiding. There was...
From May 2012 to July 2012, he had been cheating with 2 teenage girls that he allowed to "move in" to his home for those two months. 2 of them!!! At the same time...
This has broken my heart....
All the time we spent on cam that was meant to be our "personal, private" time... He was sharing with 2 lil girls.... :'(
This just adds to the disappointment and the anger I feel....
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