The Day Has Come **cries**

     I've sat here, thinking, for months now, about my relationship and where it's headed. Or not headed, for that matter. I've let myself believe that I can make this work until the moment I die....

     But I can't.

     The conclusion that, apparently, has been in front of me for quite some time now is that, even though I love him, there is never going to be an "us" here in the United States or where he is from, for that matter.

     He signed up for the military to get the money to come home with. He failed in going through with it.

     He searched and searched for jobs. Failed. Not because he couldn't find one, but because his nature kicked in.

     My "husband" is a self-proclaimed lazy person.

     And it shows....

     I wonder how much I mean to him. Am I good enough for him? Am I someone he TRULY loves? Am I just a safety net for when he can't find anyone else in his home country? Have the last 2 1/2 years together been nothing but a fantasy? A fantasy that has no happy ending? A fantasy that will, inevitably, be the death of me?

     My conclusion - he's never coming "home" to me....

     And I've made my peace with that.

     I haven't made peace with my heart yet, though. She wants to give up and die. She wants to forget about him. She's having a hard time leaving and letting go. She knows, deep down inside, it's over...

     I know, deep down, it's over, too. But, I find it so hard to tell him how I feel. I have made comments...

     "I'm not happy."

     "I just want to let you go."

     "Then go find something or someone other than me."

     ...But they're just comments that piss him off. They make him angry at me for thinking he "wants something else" or that he's "not happy."

     All about him... It always has been, from his perspective...

     Fuck what I want. It's all about... him....

     I don't know what to do. I'm sick and tired of feeling so depressed. I've thought so MANY times about how I'd live my life without him. 

     I'd be normal again... But what form of "normal" is that?

     Whose definition would I be portraying? Because I know, for a FACT, it wouldn't be mine...

      


     I need peace, again...

     Goddess, grant me the wisdom and knowledge to know where this is headed? I need to find true happiness. 

♥

Love, Loyalty or Blind Faith

     You know, I was never one of these people to turn a blind eye to "wrong" things happening around me. If I saw wrong, I tried to do something about it. If I was wronged, I did something about it. If I felt wrong, I fixed it or tried to. But, never have I ever stayed in one place where something was "wrong."

     My husband and I have had our many ups and downs. Lately, though, it seems more "downs" than "ups" have plagued us. No matter how I try to ignore some things that have happened in our past, the thoughts keep coming to me and make me feel like retching. The visions come to mind and I feel like I just want to ball myself up and cry nonstop for ages. So, in my current situation? I can forgive even though I don't want to. But I will definitely never forget. And I can't decide whether it's love, loyalty or blind faith that keep me in place.

     I barely see him anymore. As much as I adore the smile on his face, I am starting to forget what it looks like. I'm not sure if this is partly because he's wanting to pull away from me because of his past experiences or if I may be reading too much into it. Whatever it may be, if it is is just me or him, it feels wrong. No woman should go a day without seeing her husband. Some, like myself, live for his smile, his voice and the glint in their eyes when they see you.

     I rarely see that anymore...

     Everyone in my past who has hurt me, I left them there - in my past. So, for my husband to have hurt me and me stay? I feel as if I've wronged myself. All I can think about is trying to overcome my inadequacies and move on, leaving my hurt behind me. 

     But I stay. 

     I stay because I'm lonely? 

     I stay because I'm scared?

     I stay because I somehow feel I deserve the suffering of the situation?

     I stay because I deserve no happiness?

     Or do I stay because I know nothing else but the suffering and pain and the helplessness?

     I have no idea why I stay. 

     Do I love him? Yes. 
     Do I need him? In a way, yes, I do. 
     Can I live without him? I probably could, but I'd probably die trying. 
     Am I "in love" with him? I believe I still am.

     But is he?

     I don't know anymore. I feel him slipping away. I feel myself pulling away but dragging myself back to the suffering and the wondering and the questioning and the sleepless nights of "do I stay? or do I go?" and the crying and the misery...

     I don't know if it's love, loyalty or blind faith that keeps me here.

     But I hope that, soon, the answer comes to me. And I hope it doesn't kill me in the end.



~Cassandra 5-13-2013