I've sat here, thinking, for months now, about my relationship and where it's headed. Or not headed, for that matter. I've let myself believe that I can make this work until the moment I die....
But I can't.
The conclusion that, apparently, has been in front of me for quite some time now is that, even though I love him, there is never going to be an "us" here in the United States or where he is from, for that matter.
He signed up for the military to get the money to come home with. He failed in going through with it.
He searched and searched for jobs. Failed. Not because he couldn't find one, but because his nature kicked in.
My "husband" is a self-proclaimed lazy person.
And it shows....
I wonder how much I mean to him. Am I good enough for him? Am I someone he TRULY loves? Am I just a safety net for when he can't find anyone else in his home country? Have the last 2 1/2 years together been nothing but a fantasy? A fantasy that has no happy ending? A fantasy that will, inevitably, be the death of me?
My conclusion - he's never coming "home" to me....
And I've made my peace with that.
I haven't made peace with my heart yet, though. She wants to give up and die. She wants to forget about him. She's having a hard time leaving and letting go. She knows, deep down inside, it's over...
I know, deep down, it's over, too. But, I find it so hard to tell him how I feel. I have made comments...
"I'm not happy."
"I just want to let you go."
"Then go find something or someone other than me."
...But they're just comments that piss him off. They make him angry at me for thinking he "wants something else" or that he's "not happy."
All about him... It always has been, from his perspective...
Fuck what I want. It's all about... him....
I don't know what to do. I'm sick and tired of feeling so depressed. I've thought so MANY times about how I'd live my life without him.
I'd be normal again... But what form of "normal" is that?
Whose definition would I be portraying? Because I know, for a FACT, it wouldn't be mine...
I need peace, again...
Goddess, grant me the wisdom and knowledge to know where this is headed? I need to find true happiness.
♥
But I can't.
The conclusion that, apparently, has been in front of me for quite some time now is that, even though I love him, there is never going to be an "us" here in the United States or where he is from, for that matter.
He signed up for the military to get the money to come home with. He failed in going through with it.
He searched and searched for jobs. Failed. Not because he couldn't find one, but because his nature kicked in.
My "husband" is a self-proclaimed lazy person.
And it shows....
I wonder how much I mean to him. Am I good enough for him? Am I someone he TRULY loves? Am I just a safety net for when he can't find anyone else in his home country? Have the last 2 1/2 years together been nothing but a fantasy? A fantasy that has no happy ending? A fantasy that will, inevitably, be the death of me?
My conclusion - he's never coming "home" to me....
And I've made my peace with that.
I haven't made peace with my heart yet, though. She wants to give up and die. She wants to forget about him. She's having a hard time leaving and letting go. She knows, deep down inside, it's over...
I know, deep down, it's over, too. But, I find it so hard to tell him how I feel. I have made comments...
"I'm not happy."
"I just want to let you go."
"Then go find something or someone other than me."
...But they're just comments that piss him off. They make him angry at me for thinking he "wants something else" or that he's "not happy."
All about him... It always has been, from his perspective...
Fuck what I want. It's all about... him....
I don't know what to do. I'm sick and tired of feeling so depressed. I've thought so MANY times about how I'd live my life without him.
I'd be normal again... But what form of "normal" is that?
Whose definition would I be portraying? Because I know, for a FACT, it wouldn't be mine...
I need peace, again...
Goddess, grant me the wisdom and knowledge to know where this is headed? I need to find true happiness.
♥
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