Love, Loyalty or Blind Faith

     You know, I was never one of these people to turn a blind eye to "wrong" things happening around me. If I saw wrong, I tried to do something about it. If I was wronged, I did something about it. If I felt wrong, I fixed it or tried to. But, never have I ever stayed in one place where something was "wrong."

     My husband and I have had our many ups and downs. Lately, though, it seems more "downs" than "ups" have plagued us. No matter how I try to ignore some things that have happened in our past, the thoughts keep coming to me and make me feel like retching. The visions come to mind and I feel like I just want to ball myself up and cry nonstop for ages. So, in my current situation? I can forgive even though I don't want to. But I will definitely never forget. And I can't decide whether it's love, loyalty or blind faith that keep me in place.

     I barely see him anymore. As much as I adore the smile on his face, I am starting to forget what it looks like. I'm not sure if this is partly because he's wanting to pull away from me because of his past experiences or if I may be reading too much into it. Whatever it may be, if it is is just me or him, it feels wrong. No woman should go a day without seeing her husband. Some, like myself, live for his smile, his voice and the glint in their eyes when they see you.

     I rarely see that anymore...

     Everyone in my past who has hurt me, I left them there - in my past. So, for my husband to have hurt me and me stay? I feel as if I've wronged myself. All I can think about is trying to overcome my inadequacies and move on, leaving my hurt behind me. 

     But I stay. 

     I stay because I'm lonely? 

     I stay because I'm scared?

     I stay because I somehow feel I deserve the suffering of the situation?

     I stay because I deserve no happiness?

     Or do I stay because I know nothing else but the suffering and pain and the helplessness?

     I have no idea why I stay. 

     Do I love him? Yes. 
     Do I need him? In a way, yes, I do. 
     Can I live without him? I probably could, but I'd probably die trying. 
     Am I "in love" with him? I believe I still am.

     But is he?

     I don't know anymore. I feel him slipping away. I feel myself pulling away but dragging myself back to the suffering and the wondering and the questioning and the sleepless nights of "do I stay? or do I go?" and the crying and the misery...

     I don't know if it's love, loyalty or blind faith that keeps me here.

     But I hope that, soon, the answer comes to me. And I hope it doesn't kill me in the end.



~Cassandra 5-13-2013